We all know that regardless of what we do or say, other people WILL have opinions about it. This is particularly true when it comes to making changes related to our weight or diet. Because these behavioral adjustments both tend to go against societal norms, they can make us feel extremely isolated or “othered” and can be quite tricky to navigate without the proper tools and resources. So, today, we’re going to discuss how to best prepare yourself for other people’s opinions when it comes to fueling our bodies, how to approach conversations around food and what to do when you’re put in an uncomfortable situation like a family vacation or holiday meal.

A Note on Chronic Illnesses and Social Situations

It’s important to acknowledge that, for many of us with chronic illnesses, social situations can be mentally fulfilling AND physically damaging at the same time. That’s why, as a friend or family member of someone who has a chronic illness, you can focus on:

• Simply listening to what they’re going through
• Being gentle with them
• Not offering unsolicited advice

People Pleasing around Food

Let’s talk about people pleasing for a moment. When it comes to our health and eating patterns, this often looks like:

1. not wanting to make anyone else feel uncomfortable because of your eating habits 
2. not wanting to deal with any pushback or commentary that you may receive because of your eating habits

However, by people pleasing, we abandon ourselves and our goals, which could mean that we have to deal with very real physical or emotional symptoms over the next few hours, days, weeks. In the end, it really comes down to prioritizing your health over other people’s emotions, which is way easier said than done.

So what happens when someone does make a comment? Like: “why aren’t you eating gluten?” or “I thought you were trying to lose weight” or “that’s not healthy”?

First of all, this can cause you to second guess yourself. Maybe you felt like you were making a really great choice for your health in that moment and now you’re realizing that it’s not good enough according to other people. These kinds of comments change your entire eating environment and immediately put you into fight of flight mode. Now, you’re feeling activated, dysregulated or unsafe while before you were calm, regulated and secure. For anyone who has been in this situation, you know that this is not pleasant and can make you think twice before putting yourself in a social setting like this again.

Eating on Vacations and Holidays

For me, part of my disordered eating in the past centered around being very fearful of acquiring a foodborne illness. This meant that wherever I went, along came my tote bag of “safe” snacks and extraneous supplements. And I’d refuse to eat anything that could possibly get me sick, which meant that I often felt stigmatized, different or weird eating my safe foods. Overtime, I’ve learned to accept that this will always be a part of who I am – I’m an overly prepared person at my very core. But, now, this looks like enjoying the snacks I packed for myself while also sharing them with others, bringing them in on the habits and rituals that make me feel good.

Nicki’s experience with eating in group settings was not all that different from mine. In the throes of her eating disorder, she would bring full meals with her when traveling or attending social gatherings. Nowadays, she will still bring essentials that make her feel good but won’t overly plan out her meals in advance. For example, Nicki packs her own coffee stash because she can be quite sensitive to coffee that has mold or unwanted chemicals in it. So instead of sitting alone upstairs with her cup of coffee, she just brings her own coffee sachet down to the kitchen and enjoys her coffee alongside the rest of the group. This way, she’s still engaging in the same behavior as others, she’s just consuming something different. But no one cares!

Fear of Overeating in Social Settings

It’s funny because I often find that my clients actually eat even “healthier” on vacation, because their nervous systems are regulated and they’re able to feel into their intuition and body cues much more easefully and clearly. Yet, at events of group dinners there can be a pressure to eat what everyone else is eating. In these scenarios, I typically tell my clients to notice how they’re feeling as they’re eating and to literally look at their food when they take each bite. I find that being able to see what you’re eating on a plate, from a seated, grounded position is wildly different from standing while grabbing apps every so often. 

Let’s wrap this up by talking about cravings. Look, if you want a treat, go get yourself the treat. But, make it the best damn treat. If you want a pastry, go to a really epic bakery and get your favorite pastry. If you’re in Italy and you want some gelato, get yourself a beautiful scoop of gelato. That’s the worthwhile kind of investment that your tastebuds will really appreciate and your mind will feel satisfied from. This directly opposes a common phenomenon that we see at events, holidays or on vacation which is our obsession with taking advantage of free food. We can’t help it, we’re biologically wired to capitalize on opportunities like this as humans who once hunted and gathered. But it’s just something to pay attention to when you’re in the midst of it. Like: is that complimentary continental breakfast pastry really something you want or is it just because it’s free and available to you?

Tips for Navigating Social Events, Vacations and Holidays

• Set an intention before you go into the trip or event. Maybe it’s that you’re going to Italy and your intention is really enjoying pizza and pasta without overthinking it. 

• Don’t forget to eat! If you know you’re going to have a busy day or are not sure when your next meal will be be sure to pack jerky or a piece of fruit in your bag so that you’re always prepared and your blood sugar remains stable.

• Advocate for yourself. If you know that something doesn’t make you feel good, don’t let pressure from other people or people pleasing make you ignore your own needs.

• Learn what your non-negotiables are. Similar to the tip above, make a list of what you’re not willing to budge on and don’t deviate from this!

• If you make a poor choice, try your best not to beat yourself up about it. It’s only one meal, one day, one whatever it may be.

• Check in with your body often during the social situation. In group settings, it’s super common for us to feel into what other people are feeling and lose touch with how we are feeling inside our own bodies. Maybe you’re starving and really need to feed yourself or perhaps you’re stuffed and are feeling extremely sleepy/out of it. Know that you can always run to the bathroom, take a deep breath, and tune into yourself.

• Have that tough conversation with the friend or family member that triggers you ahead of time. It can be as simple as saying “hey listen, I know you mean well and that you love me. But when you say these things, it makes me feel like I’m being watched/unsafe/crappy/whatever you want to say here.” 

• Employ the powerful phrase “thank you so much for caring for me, thank you so much for asking about my health. If I need any help, you’ll be the first person I ask.” This one really transforms a conversation, time and time again.

• Don’t be afraid to exit the situation if you need to! No excuse necessary.

• Recap the event or trip afterwards. Whether it’s alone or with a trusted friend or family member, reflecting on the things that made you feel great and the things that made you feel worse can be extremely helpful for future experiences.

Want to know what the best part of all of this is? Once you’re able to set boundaries around food, you can apply this skill to other areas of your life, like relationships and work. You’ll be so impressed to see how much it can change your life for the better.

And if you can’t get enough of this topic, listen to our full episode on Quiet the Diet podcast where we discuss how others influence our eating habits. Let us know what you think!